Bad Advice
by Mr Khan
Summary: The Mugiwaras all need advice, and get that advice from the worst possible crewmate. Chaos ensues. Last set: Robin Franky Brook. T for exploding Franky.
1. Formal Wear

Bad Advice

By Mr_Khan

_This is a shorter one that was batting around my head for a while, a series of drabbles where each of the Straw-Hats seek advice from one another… but get that advice from the worst possible crewmate. _

Chapter 1: Formal Wear

Advice Seeker: Luffy

Nami hit Luffy on the head. "You got us thrown out of that store, now what are we going to do?" She hit him again, "Baka!"

"But all of those clothes were sooooo lame!" Luffy whined. "I can't wear any of that."

"But then we can't go tonight! Do you know how much money we're missing out on?" Nami shrieked.

"But I don't wanna go…" Luffy whined again.

"You're going! Figure something out by tonight!" She hit him again.

Luffy slouched away dejectedly. In his depression he wandered down to Franky's workshop. It sometimes bothered Franky that he came down there, but the sights and sounds cheered him up whenever he was feeling a little down (rare though that was).

"Oi, Luffy, what was that about?" Franky asked.

"You heard that?"

"The whole ship heard that. Having clothing problems, eh?"

"Yeah. They're having a formal reception for up-and-coming pirates at the next island. Nami thinks she can steal money there. But I hate clothes shopping," Luffy scowled petulantly.

"You came to the right place, boss," Franky said smoothly. "I'll get you some duds that'll make you feel supah and make the ladies swoon!"

Luffy's face lit up. "Really? Awesome!"

That evening, Luffy emerged on the deck of the _Thousand Sunny_ with Franky behind him. His clothing turned heads, definitely. Robin chuckled, Brook and Usopp burst out laughing. Nami had already left, and Luffy had to hurry after her. "Thanks again, Franky!" he yelled as he ran off.

"You look supah!" Franky replied, giving a thumbs-up.

The formal reception was being held in a banquet hall, a large, gilded hall with a dance floor and a series of tables, as well as one long dining table where a number of pirates were sitting, a set of six male pirates, all of whom looked uncomfortable in tuxedos, and their female escorts in lavish evening gowns. One female pirate in a flowing sky-blue gown and tiara had a look on her face that was daring some unfortunate fool to laugh at her, with a brutish-looking male escort who had already dirtied his tuxedo with food.

Nami entered the room, wearing a long black evening gown that clasped over her right shoulder, leaving her left shoulder bare. A waiter approached her.

"Cat Burglar Nami?" he asked, leafing through a binder full of Wanted posters. "You're supposed to be here with Strawhat Luffy, right?"

Anger briefly flickered across Nami's features, then she smiled. "He should be here soon."

Another waiter rushed in. "He's here, Strawhat Luffy!" he whispered to his companion. "Announce him!"

"If I may have your attention, presenting our most prestigious guest of this evening! The champion of the Marineford War, conqueror of two Shichibukai, he defied the Tenryuubito and is currently worth 300 million Beli! Here is Strawhat Luffy!"

Everyone in the hall cheered, but then Luffy appeared. The entire hall was stricken dumb for a moment. Aside from his normal straw-hat, Luffy was wearing an over-large Hawaiian shirt, a garish blue with pink palm trees, as well as a tight black speedo. The speedo was rather confining, and it showed on Luffy's face; he cringed as the speedo pinched him in all the wrong places. "Hello, everyone!" he shouted, waving.

The hall dissolved into laughter. Everyone was on the floor laughing, everyone except Nami. Nami loomed over Luffy in a towering fury. "What the hell are you wearing?" she shrieked incredulously. "Did you get those clothes from Franky?"

"Yup."

"Anyone else! Couldn't you have gotten them from anyone else? Even Chopper would have been better!"

Luffy pictured himself in Chopper's pink top-hat, and began laughing himself.

"Baka!" Nami hit him again.


	2. Well, May I?

Chapter 2: Well, May I?

Advice Seeker: Zoro

Mild Content Warning: Contains drunk Zoro.

Years of drinking, as well as a generally powerful constitution, had given Zoro a strong resistance to the negative effects of alcohol. It had been the case before where he had drunk people under the table, and still managed to cut down foes with lethal precision. When he was suffering from blood loss, however, he could get significantly inebriated. In the journey after Thriller Bark, he got drunk fairly regularly given all the blood he had lost from trying to sacrifice himself to the Kuma Pacifista. It was well past sunset one night when he staggered up into the garden area, with Nami's Mikan trees and Robin's flowers. He could barely stand, and was grateful when he was able to collapse into one of Robin's lawn chairs. He sighed deeply when he was finally seated.

"Is there anything wrong, Zoro-san?"

Zoro sat bolt upright, not realizing that someone else had been present. "Guh! Who are you?"

"Ahh, sorry Zoro-san. I didn't mean to surprise you," the speaker was Brook. "It sounds like you're having some trouble. Is there anything I can do?" Brook was still eager to please, and prove himself as a new crew member.

"Nah, nothing," Zoro slurred.

"It sounds like something is bothering you," Brook persisted.

"Well, it's a whole lotta nothing," Zoro said, not making much sense.

Brook had been a pirate a long time. He had heard a lot of drunken pirate banter in his years, and so understood perfectly. "It's something with a woman, isn't it?"

Zoro blushed. "What? No, it's not that," he said, shaking his head emphatically.

"No, it most definitely is!" Brook insisted. "The ladies can be very tricky to deal with."

"I just, I just don't know what to say. You know? I mean, what am I supposed to say to her?" Zoro said.

"Ah. The opening line is the hardest step in trying to deal with any woman. Butterflies still flutter in my stomach when I meet a pretty lady (even though I don't have a stomach) Yohoho!"

"Just get to it," Zoro said, a little annoyed with Brook's inane blather.

"Yes, well, the perfect line to broach any conversation with a woman you like! You must say it exactly, or else it won't work properly."

"Still waiting…"

"May I see your panties? You must say exactly that!"

Zoro stood uncertainly. "Yah, thanks for all your help." He slapped Brook on the back. "You're a real friend, Brook."

"Ahh. Thank you very much! Just use that phrase, you'll be fine!" Zoro staggered off down the stairs, presumably to go act on Brook's advice. Brook sat around for a time, polished off a cup of tea, and then decided it was time for bed. Once in the men's room, he changed into a set of pajamas that he was borrowing off of Sanji until they reached the next island.

At last, Brook was ready for bed. He relished having a proper bed for the first time in decades. He was about to cast himself into his cot when Zoro staggered in. Zoro's face was covered in red welts, the outlines of multiple palms. "Zoro-san! What happened to your face? It's making my skin crawl (even though I don't have skin) Yohoho!"

"Brook my man, my uhh, skeleton man," Zoro said, coming to stand very close to Brook. "Have you ever been slapped by 20 hands?"

"Well, there was one time when…" Brook began, but Zoro cut him off.

"Brook,"

"Yes, Zoro-san?"

"Shut up." With that, Zoro collapsed to the ground, snoring contentedly.

"Sometimes the line will have that effect…" Brook said. Oh well. You can't win 'em all.

_Author's Note: So I put some ZoRo in there. Sue me. Though in this case I would like some feedback about Brook's dialogue. I think I accurately reflected his personality, but I'm not certain. Zoro here is obviously OoC, but you have to factor in the alcohol._


	3. Pirates Took It

Chapter 3: Pirates Took It

Advice Seeker: Nami

This debt had been accumulating for a long time by her standards, and it was starting to really bother her. 200,000 Beli that was owed from all the way back in Loguetown. Given her usual interest rates, she was now owed about 265,000. Nami cursed the misfortunes that had plagued her, and stopped her from soliciting the back payments. She had first requested them at Whiskey Peak, when she thought there was a billion-Beli payout coming from keeping Vivi from getting killed, but she couldn't force the cash-strapped princess to make the payout, even she didn't love money that much. Then she had gotten sick, and it seemed like as soon as she was healthy again the craziness in Alabasta started. Now things were finally, finally normal again. Well, normal aside from the former second-in-command to a Shichibukai sunning herself on the deck as if nothing had ever happened, but she was okay. She had given her jewelry.

Anyway, it was time for her to get her money back. The deed itself was easy enough. Unlike the girls' room, the guys' area on the Going Merry was an open space. The fact that it was rarely invaded by the girls reflected the fact that Nami and Vivi (and presumably their new crew-mate) had more taste than to walk into such a pit. For money, however, she was more than willing to take the plunge. A quick run in yielded what she needed; hanging below one of the hammocks was a small drawstring bag. Suspiciously small. The bag returned with her to the girls' room, and its contents were spilled out across her most recent unfinished map. Her suspicions were confirmed: even though the contents were large bills, the amount totaled to only 154,000. She frowned, but stowed the money away anyways.

She instantly regretted it. Not taking the money, oh no, that sweet, sweet money was hers and hers for good: she deserved it. But she had stolen from a shipmate. Zoro was going to figure it out, and she would instantly be at the top of the suspects list. What was she going to do? She thought she had a solution, and furtively stepped out onto the deck with the empty drawstring bag in hand.

"Nami, what are you doing?"

A full shiver ran down Nami's spine, and she was forced to stifle a yelp. She turned her head slowly, fearfully, but it was only Usopp. "Oh, it's just you, Usopp."

"You're not going to get away with it like that."

"What are you talking about?" Nami said, waving her hands reassuringly. "I'm not doing anything."

"Come on, Nami. Who are you talking to?" Usopp boasted. "I'm the champion liar of the Grand Line: the great Captain Usopp!" He struck a noble pose. "Now what's the scheme?"

"Sure you won't tell?" Nami asked, carefully glancing from side to side.

"You're not stealing from me, right?"

"No."

"Then tell me."

"You remember back at Loguetown, when Zoro bought his new katana? I loaned him some money that he hasn't paid back. I'm just rectifying his debt."

"But he's going to find out, huh? Is that what's bothering you?" Nami nodded.

"You've come to the right Pirate," Usopp said eagerly, putting his arm around Nami's shoulders. "Zoro'll never know what hit him!" Usopp guided her belowdecks to confer.

Almost an hour later, Zoro appeared on deck. For some time he had been perched on the very tip of the mast, focused on maintaining his balance. He settled against the starboard rail and closed his eyes, taking a well deserved nap. He had been at it for less than three minutes when a familiar long nose peaked out from the door to the helm. "Yosh. Get to it."

Nami staggered out on deck. She looked a mess. Her hair was tousled, streaks of grit stained her arms and legs, and blood streaked down the left side of her face over her eye. Her clothes were… strangely untouched (like hell she was going to ruin a perfectly good set of clothing for this). She sobbed and collapsed to her knees, conveniently right in front of the napping Zoro.

Zoro opened one eye and saw the bedraggled Nami. He sat up quickly. "Nami, what's wrong?"

Nami sobbed again, tears springing to her eyes. "It was horrible! We were just attacked!"

Zoro unsheathed his sword. "What?"

"They're… they're gone now," Nami said, breathing heavily for great dramatic effect. "A whole crew of Pirates attacked from a submarine! Hundreds of them swarmed the deck, with guns and swords and… and a rhino! A giant rhino charging all over the place! I… I managed to stop them from hurting you," she said, wiping away her tears. "But they… they…" she began crying anew.

"What, what happened?" Zoro asked, his voice full of concern.

"They took all your money!" Nami said, collapsing into a sobbing heap.

Zoro leaned over to her, placing a hand on her shoulder comfortingly. "It's okay. I mean, no-one was hurt, right?"

Nami looked up at him, giving him a dose of large, watery doe eyes, but her magic was soon interrupted.

"It's a lie," Robin said. She had observed the whole proceeding from her lawn chair, unnoticed by all while she leafed through her book.

"Don't screw this up!" Nami yelled. Damn it all.

Zoro cracked his knuckles. "Nami. Give me my money back."

Nami stuck her tongue out at him. "Make me," she dashed off.

"Get back here!"


	4. Tactics

Chapter 4: Tactics

Advice Seeker: Usopp

It had been one of his crowning achievements in his career as a straw-hat, one of the biggest steps he had taken on his road to becoming a Brave Warrior of the Sea. Beating Perona was right up there with his inspired victory over Mr. 4, or his miracle shot at Enies Lobby, stopping Spandam from over a kilometer off. Now, however, he was in danger of losing that victory. They had come to this island on the rumor that their swordsman had been spotted at one of the island's iconic spooky castles. They had split up to investigate the vast castle, despite Usopp's protests, and true to his instincts, something bad had happened.

He was caught in the worst possible scenario: he had come into a large, empty room with high ceilings. It was at one end of the castle with only one door, but an empty room with no furniture. The window was too high up to be of any use. The one door was blocked by Perona, standing there surrounded by a few of her exploding ghosts. Her face was set in a strange look, part fury, part satisfaction. Perona was bound to get her revenge on the long-nosed punk that had humiliated her. She laughed, "It's been a while, huh? Are you ready to play, long-nose?"

Usopp was shaking like a leaf. He was stuck. Though her negative hollows would have no effect on him, the exploding ones would, and he had forgotten to bring anything aside from his Gum Stars. That could slow her down, but not stop her. He needed outside help on this. Right. Outside help! He had the portable den-den mushi. Usopp made his move.

"B-b-b-bring it on!" he said unconvincingly as his voice quavered and his knees knocked together. He whipped out Kabuto. "Gum Star!" he roared, and Perona found herself bound to the door by a wad of sticky pink gum.

"This isn't going to stop me!" Perona shouted as she began wriggling her way free. As she did so she summoned more exploding hollows.

Usopp pulled out the den-den mushi and picked up the receiver. Who had they left to guard the ship? He couldn't remember. He heard it ringing. "Come on. Pick up, pick up!"

"Oi, what's up?" a suave voice came from the other end.

Sanji. It's Sanji! There was someone who could think on his feet. He was saved!

"Sanji, it's Usopp! Help me!"

"Alright, calm down. What's wrong?"

"It's Perona! Perona's got me cornered! What am I gonna do?"

"Perona? That delicious Lolita idol?" Sanji yelled. Usopp just knew that Sanji's eyes had gone heart-shaped again. "Perona-chan! It's Sanji!" he roared, hoping Perona would be able to hear him.

"Just shut up and help me!" Usopp yelled back.

"Okay, okay," Sanji replied, calming down somewhat. "Now follow my directions exactly. Stand directly in front of her."

"Right," Usopp said. His knees were shaking, but he came to stand a scant two meters in front of where Perona was gradually gaining her freedom.

"Now, bow. Bow really low. That nose of yours should be jammed up against the ground!" Sanji shouted anew.

"Ooookay," Usopp said, a little confused, but still willing to have faith in the directions of his nakama. He bowed low, his long nose scrunching up against the grey floor stones.

"Right! Now repeat after me!"

"Go ahead," Usopp said, growing more perplexed by the moment.

"I am very sorry for having troubled you, Perona-chan! I will not do it again!"

"I'm v-v-v-very sorry for h-h-having troubled you, P-p-perona-chan!" Usopp stammered. "I w-w-won't do it again!"

Perona broke free as Usopp groveled before her. "Oh, don't worry. You want have a chance to."

Sanji sat on the deck of the _Thousand Sunny_, den-den mushi in hand. It was hard for him to see the castle from there, the island was generally covered in fog in keeping with its spooky motif. He wasn't sure where Usopp was calling from, anyway, but he was satisfied. He had given the only advice he could have.

"HELP ME!" he suddenly heard. Not from the den-den mushi, but coming from the castle himself. Then he saw a series of large explosions emanate from one end of the castle.

"So that's where they were," he said. "Ahh, Perona-chan."


	5. Good Taste

Chapter 5: Good Taste

Advice Seeker: Sanji

Sanji was eager to advance further in the Grand Line for more than just All Blue. The journey would be as much of a culinary odyssey as the destination: the Grand Line had a vast array of different dishes; a nest of flavors and recipes of all descriptions. The vast climate diversity aided in this. Summer Islands yielded tropical dishes, brightly colored fruits, succulent meats, fish and shellfish of all kinds. Spring Islands favored avian dishes, various kinds of poultries, egg, and early-blooming varieties of plant life, especially edible flowers. Autumn Islands were ripe with harvest feasts, pumpkin, venison, cold-water fish, and baked goods. Winter Islands, however, were the strangest of all. Aside from syrups leeched from the trees and more varieties of cold-water fish, only the mammals of the islands were really edible. It made sense: birds avoided the Winter Islands like the plague, so only other warm-blooded creatures really lived there. Some of the most unique varieties of mammals thrived in the Winter Islands.

Of all of these delicacies, Sanji was most looking ahead to adding Winter Islands food to his repertoire. They were rare, curious, and had an array of flavors that were generally unfamiliar to the rest of the crew, and more importantly they were a challenge to make, a real test of his chef's mettle. When they had arrived at Drum Island, he had gotten his wish. The island yielded something new even to him: a roast rabbit stew made from a special variety of rabbits that were as large as pigs.

The basic setup was simple enough, skin and roast the rabbits, then soak them in a stock with carrots and potatoes. The stock was the tricky part, though. Once he had the time, he had talked to a number of different cooks on the island: old grandmothers, young housewives, and professional cooks, and couldn't seem to get a straight answer as to exactly what constituted the stock. He had tasted it a few times from those different chefs, but he still couldn't quite nail it down. A little savory, a little sweet, with just a hint of tangy pepper. He couldn't nail it down entirely, and had to wing it.

Winging it was not entirely helpful, however. He mixed and re-mixed the stock, but nothing he tried tasted entirely right to him. This only hardened Sanji's resolve: a dish this challenging would be truly fulfilling once he had finally mastered it. The flavor was as elusive as the rabbits it was made from: just when he thought he had it, the flavor eluded him. As the chase continued, he grew moody. He always zealously guarded his kitchen, but now he guarded it with sharper fangs. It all came to a head a few days after they left the winter island, when he was re-mixing the stock for what seemed like the hundredth time.

"Sanji, I…"

"What? Dinner's not for another three hours! What do you want?"

"Well fine!"

The door slammed, then Sanji looked up from his work. Crap. That had been Chopper, hadn't it? He wouldn't have minded mouthing off at Usopp or Franky, he would've enjoyed yelling at Luffy or Zoro at this point, but this was Chopper's first time at sea: he needed a friend, not a surly cook barking at him. It could have been worse, of course, he could have yelled… no. He wouldn't even think of that. Wait. He had yelled at Chopper. He opened the door back out of his kitchen and spied Chopper's retreating form.

"Oi, Chopper."

"Yeah?"

"Sorry about that. I'm having trouble with this new recipe. You wanna… give me a hand?" he hated having to ask for this, but it would work. Chopper was a winter islander. He would know what was right, right?

"Sure!" Chopper beamed. He wasn't going to pass up a chance for extra food.

And so the process began. Sanji brewed up the stock for the rabbit stew, mixed in the potatoes and carrots, and passed it off to Chopper, who drank it down with relish, then sat there with a plaintive look on his face.

"Well?"

Chopper swirled the stock around in his mouth, then frowned. "It needs more…"

Sanji waited patiently for Chopper to finish his thought.

"Sugar!" he abruptly finished. "It needs to be a bit sweeter."

Sanji assented, and remade the stock, putting a dash more sugar into the mix. He returned it to Chopper, who returned the same verdict.  
"More sugar!"

Sanji went back to work again, after a brief flicker of annoyance lit his face. Again he finished, and again Chopper returned the verdict of more sugar. Again and again Chopper was dissatisfied as Sanji continued to pile sugar in. Sanji's patience was on the breaking point, when Chopper finally said of a batch

"Perfect! This is so delicious!"

Sanji sighed. That had taken forever. Now confident that this dish was fit to serve to Nami and Vivi (and those other walking stomachs), he proceeded to make the stew. Three large rabbits, carrots, potatoes, and gravy-like stock.

"Itadakimasu!" Luffy led the meal like usual. Usopp sniffed the rabbits.

"Mmm, smells excellent!" They all began to eat at once. Upon taking in a slice of rabbit, Vivi's face fell. She swallowed it reluctantly and coughed. Nami chewed it thoughtfully. Finally she spoke,

"It's a little…" Zoro, less polite, spat it out.

"Blah! Why is this so…"

"Sweet!" Luffy and Chopper shouted in unison. Both cleaned their plates with relish, then leapt on to the table.

"Woohoo!" Luffy howled with delight as he began to bounce around. "You can really feel that sugar!"

"Yeah, isn't it great?" Chopper added, morphing into his tall form and capering around with hyperactivity. "Thanks Sanji!"

Sanji slapped a hand to his forehead. Never trust Chopper's tastebuds.

_Author's Note: I guess I portrayed Sanji in somewhat of a bad light in the last chapter, so he gets a better portrayal here._


	6. ArmTwisting

Chapter 6: Arm-twisting

Advice Seeker: Chopper

They had found the woman an hour out of port. Zoro had found her, lying in an unconscious heap on the roof of the crow's nest. Her nondescript brown jacket was streaked with grit that looked suspiciously like gunpowder, as well as other miscellaneous dirt and blood. Her face was also stained with grit and blood, and she was missing a tooth. Nonetheless she was pretty, her blonde hair cropped short and messy. Pretty enough to make Sanji swoon, at least, but that was a low hurdle to jump. She was wounded in a number of places: with lacerations on her arms and legs, but it was her torso where the main concern was. There were internal injuries there.

Chopper was very concerned, of course. There was probably some internal bleeding there. It would explain her persistent weakness, her ragged and shallow breathing. He needed to know where her injuries were, but she was stubborn. She had refused to give even her name, answering only to "Woman." She had allowed him to doctor her obvious wounds, her lacerations and her broken leg, but she wasn't being helpful in regards to the mysterious internal injuries in her torso.

Her odd attitudes were very explicable. The island they had picked her up from was embroiled in a rather fierce civil war. The revolutionaries, known for their grandiose tactics, had long ago been forced underground by the Royal Army. The Revolutionaries had been a guerilla unit ever since, dedicated to hit-and-run tactics, wily and elusive. Nami had seen a few articles on the civil war in her newspaper, and Robin filled in a few of the historical gaps. Knowing it didn't help the matter. Once Chopper asked her if she had gotten these injuries in a battle, she clammed up worse than before. Whereas previously she had at least been politely conversational, now she said nothing at all, and looked at Chopper with suspicion. Eventually Chopper lost his patience with her.

"Look, I'm a doctor. I don't care how you got injured or what you do, I'm just here to help you! But I can't help you if you won't tell me where your injuries are!"

Silence, and a suspicious glare from Woman.

"You've only been getting weaker since you got here! If you don't tell me, you're going to die!"

Silence still, but this time Woman grinned, as if proud that she might die for this.

"You're so stupid!" Chopper growled, morphing into his large form as if he wanted to force her to relinquish her secrets. He then hesitated, and morphed back into small form. He turned to leave "You had better figure out what you want." He left.

He wandered around aimlessly for a bit, needing somewhere to go just to cool down. He wasn't certain where to go: his medical ward was his sanctuary, where he went on the _Thousand Sunny _when he wanted time to himself. He really had no idea where to go when he needed sanctuary from his sanctuary. Finally he wandered into the garden area and clambered up onto one of the lawn chairs. "Hmph," he grunted crossly as he sat, crossing his arms.

"Something wrong, Doctor-san?"

"Ah! Robin." He hadn't seen her there. Even after all this time, Robin still seemed to blend into the scenery when she wanted to.

"Does it have something to do with your patient?" Robin asked kindly.

"Yeah. Woman won't tell me what's wrong with her."

"She's focused on her mission. She doesn't want to say anything that might compromise the other Revolutionaries."

"It's so stupid! I'm not going to tell anyone. Who could I even tell? We're in the middle of the ocean!"

Robin smiled at him, supporting her head with one hand against her cheek. "Do you want me to help?"

Chopper was curious. "How?"

"You need her to talk, right? I could probably get her to tell me."

"Sure!" Chopper said, trusting as ever. "Thanks Robin!"

"I'm happy to help," she replied, smiling one of her inscrutable smiles. They walked down to the door to the medical ward. "Wait here," she said, opening the door. "I'll have your answer in a few minutes."

Chopper sat on a barrel outside the door, dangling his short legs over the side contemplatively. He hoped Robin would pull through for him. He didn't want Woman to die. Time dragged, but eventually the door opened.

"She has pain in her second and fifth ribs on the left, and has been experiencing piercing pains in her stomach," she said.

"Thanks Robin!" Chopper said again, leaping down from the barrel and walking back into the chamber.

"No problem. It was fun."

Chopper wondered how Robin had gotten her to talk. It would be no good asking Woman, of course. He gathered some of his medical equipment. Cracked ribs were easy to deal with, but the stomach thing might be serious. He was glad he knew about it, though.

"Is she gone?" a fearful voice asked. It was Woman.

"Finally talking, huh?" Chopper responded. "Yeah, she's gone. You should thank her, though."

"Thank her? Look at me!"  
Chopper turned and looked at his patient. She was cradling her left arm, which was twisted into a position that was painful even to look at. Robin had broken her arm.

Chopper morphed into his large form. "Robin!" he roared. "I'm trying to heal her! Heal her!"

_Author's Note: A little morbid, I suppose, but that's the best way to make Robin humorous, her dead-pan extreme suggestions._


	7. Open It

Chapter 7: Open It

Advice Seeker: Robin

"Damnit!" Robin punched the desk in frustration, her usually calm demeanor lost in a haze of endless frustration. It was hour 32 of her endeavor to solve the mystery of this artifact, 32 hours closeted in the library. Despite the thick skin she had developed in her lifetime of hardship, and the many cups of coffee that had carried her this far, she had reached her breaking point.

The artifact was very promising. She had acquired it for next to nothing at a curio shop from a man who clearly didn't recognize its worth. It was a box made of stone, with markings on only one of its six sides. The markings on what she presumed was supposed to be the top of the box were not poneglyphs, but they were close. They were distinctly blocky, but they all flowed together. At the center of the depressions that formed the characters was a narrow line, just broad enough to insert a pin through. This pin-sized line was explained by a small pearl attached to a pin that was stuck into the character on the upper left corner of that side of the box.

The puzzle presented itself by requiring her to maneuver the pin from that corner of the box to the opposite corner, but it was not enough to get the pin there, apparently. She had moved the pin from one end to the other, and gotten nothing for her effort. After the first hour, she determined that there was one correct route to guide the pin through to get the box to yield its secrets. It definitely held secrets, too. It was hollow, but she couldn't tell what was inside. She had opened an eye inside, but that was worthless due to the lack of light, and there wasn't enough space in there for her to materialize a hand.

There was absolutely nothing to indicate the correct route. The characters joined one another vertically, horizontally, and diagonally. Though they were close to poneglyphs, they were mostly incomprehensible. She tried routes that at least partially looked like sensible sequences if they had actually been poneglyphs. Nothing worked. She must've tried 1,001 sequences, and all of them came up with nothing. Her face twisted into an expression of frustrated anger utterly uncharacteristic to her. She growled, a feral expression of fury, and slammed her fists into the desk again in frustration.

"Hey, Robin!" a cheerful voice broke in. "What've you been working on for so long?"

Robin quickly brought her face back to a normal expression, bringing her temper under control. She still wasn't entirely comfortable revealing her full emotional state to the rest of the crew, even after all this time.

"Hey, Luffy," she said, greeting her Captain. An odd sight indeed to see Luffy venture into the library aboard the _Thousand Sunny_, but Luffy was often driven by incomprehensible forces around the ship. Some whim of his had brought him here, no doubt. It wasn't important. "I've been trying to get this box open," she continued, grabbing at her latest cup of coffee. It was cold already.

"Oooooh!" Luffy said, grabbing the box away from her. "What's in it?"

"I don't know," she replied, "there's definitely something in there, but I can't figure out what. I just can't get it open." She stared at the box in Luffy's grasp, her mortal foe for the past 32 hours.

"Ah! Easy!" Luffy said, hoisting the box high above his head. Robin realized the danger, and raised her hand in protest of what was coming. Too late. Luffy threw the box to the floor. The aged stone was no match for the invincible Adam Wood surface, and crumbled. For a second, the naïve hope that whatever was inside would survive the impact intact leapt in Robin's heart, but that hope died too when little bits and pieces of metal spilled forth among the fragments of the box. Little gears, springs, screws, and other intricate pieces. Someone had worked for a long time to put that box together, probably many hours more than she had spent trying to open it. All their efforts were void now, as the box lay in a shambles.

"Cooooool!" Luffy said as he dug through the pile of fragments. "Look at all these little metal bits!"

Robin cupped her face in both her palms. "Yes, they are neat, aren't they?" She had known what she was getting into when she joined the Straw-hats, she reminded herself. Now she knew all too well.

_Author's Note: A little harder to do, because I found the idea of Robin soliciting advice itself to be OoC. This was the obvious option, but it still works._


	8. Supah Fuel

Chapter 8: Supah Fuel

Advice Seeker: Franky

Zoro was tired, tired and annoyed. A long day of training, and Sanji had to go and use the last of his sake for some sort of tilapia marinade. It was probably spite on Sanji's part for that recent incident where Zoro had inadvertently destroyed a new set of fancy tableware. That hadn't been his fault, and you didn't take away a man's sake for such a trifle. It just wasn't done. Fortunately for Sanji, Zoro was too tired to really get riled up about this. It was equally fortunate for Zoro that they still had a barrel of fine old sake down in storage. Zoro jostled his way through the _Thousand Sunny's_ cargo hold awkwardly. The place was always so jam-packed with the Cola that Franky used for anything and everything, and they rarely had space to use it for anything else. The cola barrels blocked out the light, too, making it all the harder to navigate the room. Zoro felt his way along, one foot at a time, until he hit something that made him stop. His foot hit something huge and hard as steel. Zoro cursed loud enough to wake the dead, or the near-dead, in this case.

"Guh," responded the steel obstruction. Zoro was perplexed. He kicked his leg a little in the dark, testing the waters.

"Someone there?"

"Yo…" a weak voice came from below. Suddenly Zoro's leg was seized in a vice grip.

"Whoa! Leggo!" He kicked more, and his leg was released. Finally he hunched down, deeming the obstruction worthy of his notice. As his eyes adjusted to the dark, he saw a pair of sunglasses, a flat steel nose, and lank, stringy blue hair. "Franky?"

"Hey, Zoro," came Franky's voice, a little clearer this time.

"What happened to you?"

"Just… a little… tired," Franky said, struggling anew. Then Zoro remembered a brief snippet of conversation, when Usopp had mentioned in passing that Franky had pulled a few consecutive all-nighters on some project or other. "It's been a busy me this week," he continued.

"Why are you here?"

"Trying… to get some… cola," Franky wheezed. "Totally out. Could you… get me some?" he reached his arm up, then collapsed again. Zoro supposed that this was the weakness to subsisting entirely on cola, that you could reach the end of your rope so completely. Zoro had always thought it was a stupid concept, living on cola. A man should live on something a little stronger.

"Nah," he said, smiling, "I've got something a little better for yah."

"R-really?" Franky asked, growing delirious from the lack of fuel.

"Sure. A little of this will take you a long way." Zoro rustled around the barrels of cola, and finally found his sake in an odd corner. Being far more potent (and expensive) it came in a smaller barrel. He lifted the barrel and hefted over to where Franky lay prone.

"Try some of this," Zoro said.

"Is it… supah?" Franky asked, losing focus.

"Definitely. It's super fuel compared to what you're used to," Zoro said eagerly.

"Supah…" Franky wheezed. He popped his stomach cavity open. "Fill a bottle… then hook it in."

Zoro took a bottle, tapped the barrel of sake, filled it, and inserted it into Franky. The stomach cavity closed again. For a second, nothing happened. Zoro wondered if it worked, if Franky's systems were even compatible with the sake. Suddenly, Franky's whole body started convulsing.

"Franky?" he queried, "is everything alright?" Zoro began to wonder if he had done the right thing.

A growl rose from Franky's chest, rising to a primal roar. "SUUUUPAAAAH!" Franky leapt up and tore out of the cargo hold, knocking over barrels with his beefy arms as he ran.

"Working wonders already," Zoro said. He took a swig straight from the barrel and followed Franky, wanting to see what the wonders of sake did for him.

Franky burst out onto the main deck of the _Thousand Sunny_, still howling like a madman, "SUPAH!" Franky's body began steaming. Luffy, Robin, Usopp, and Nami were there to observe it.

"Hey, Franky!" Luffy said, approaching him, "how did you figure out how to do Gear Second?" Franky roared at Luffy, the blast of his breath tossing his captain overboard.

"Man overboard!" Zoro shouted, dropping his barrel of sake and diving after him.

"Franky…" Usopp said cautiously as he approached him. "Are you okay?

"Absolutely!" Franky shouted, turning towards Usopp. "I've never felt better in my entire life I'm so super that it redefines the word super this new me is absolutely fantastic it's a new me for this week for this month for this year!" he said very quickly, with no pose for breath or punctuation.

"Slow down and try that again…" Usopp said, bewildered.

"I. have. Never," Franky said, emphasizing each word, "Felt. Better. In. my…" Franky then exploded. The flash was blinding, but the onlookers were saved from shrapnel as Robin summoned up a shield of arms. Zoro, retrieving Luffy from underwater, didn't see it. He climbed the side of the ship with the now-unconscious Luffy slung over his shoulder like luggage. He looked at the flaming, smoking hole in Franky's chest uninterestedly.

"Oi," he grunted, "what happened to him?"

All were surprised when Franky reached up and flipped his sunglasses up, then gazed at the hole in his chest as well. "That's never happened before," he said.

"Looks like an alcohol fire," Robin said, unshaken as ever.

"Alcohol?" Nami said, puzzled. Then she saw Zoro emerge on the rail. "Zoro!" She ran to the rail and punched him, and he fell to the sea, with Luffy dropping again as well.

"Men overboard…" Usopp said.


	9. Old Debt

Chapter 9: Old Debt

Advice Seeker: Brook

Brook sipped his tea slowly, staring at the blank page with unmarked musical staffs on it. He set his tea down and raised his quill. He dipped it in ink, poised it above the page, then sighed and let his arm fall slack. Writers' block. Well, composers' block in his case. Either way, it was just as debilitating. He was in the mood for a new song, a fun ditty that, at the same time, would reflect his pirate adventures. He couldn't really hook on anything. Bink's Sake was his go-to song that, to him, perfectly represented most of his life. Bink's Sake restored the fond memories of Laboon and the Rumbar Pirates. It felt redundant of him to try making a song about them. He had pondered making a song about being a living skeleton, but that idea crashed and burned after he wracked his brain (even though he didn't have one) and couldn't come up with a word that rhymed with skeleton.

Brook sighed again, staring intently at the page with his dead eyes. "Nothing, absolutely nothing," he said sadly. Nami emerged on deck as he took another sip of tea.

"What's wrong, Brook?" she asked, looking concerned.

"Ah, Nami-san!" Brook said, spitting his tea square in her face. "You surprised me!"  
A vein flickered in Nami's forehead as the pale brown tea dripped off her face. "No problem," she said, in a very forced calm.

Brook was unaware of her impending wrath. "I've been having trouble composing a new song. Would you like to be my muse?"

Nami glared at him suspiciously. "The song isn't about panty-peeping, is it?"

"Hm, that would actually be…" but this time Brook saw the blood rising in Nami's face with her temper, "I mean no, of course not!"

"Fine," Nami said. She was in a good mood, despite the shot of tea to her face. She crossed her legs and sat down across from Brook, positioning her legs carefully to prevent bad ideas from creeping back into Brook's head.

"So, do you have any ideas?" he said, while rudely sticking a finger in the hole where his nose used to be.

"I don't know much about your past," Nami said. "Except that you met Laboon and Crocus like we did."

"Crocus-san…" Brook sighed wistfully. "I remember the months we spent with him." Brook chuckled. "I remember one time I loaned him 50 Beli to pay the newspaper bird." Nami's eyes perked up at the mention of money. "You know, he never paid me back for that."

"That's it!" Nami roared, leaping to her feet. "There's your song!"

"Huh?" Brook said, curious. "How?"

Nami viciously seized quill and paper from Brook. "Just let me do it!"

The crew gathered that evening for Brook's new song after dinner. Luffy was bursting at the seams with excitement. He had loved Bink's Sake, even though that had not been composed by Brook. They had set up an impromptu stage: a picnic table draped over with a cloth, in the garden area of the Thousand Sunny. Luffy sat up closest to the table, cross-legged and with an ear-to-ear grin. The others were spread across the lawn. Luffy had abused his Captain's authority to guarantee that everyone attended, even those that probably would rather have been anywhere else. Zoro sat on the rail with a scowl on his face, and Robin was trying to edge away towards the stairs. Brook stepped up onto the "stage," violin and sheet music in hand.

"Wooooo! Yay Brook!" Luffy shouted.

"Now, this is a new song," Brook said, "that I wrote with the help of our own Nami-san."

"Yay, Nami-swan!" Sanji hollered from his seat. "Beauty and brains!"

"This song is entitled _Crocus' Debt._" He hefted his violin, and began playing.

53 years ago Crocus borrowed 50 Beli

53 years later the interest would mean he owed 20,453 Beli.

The interest on the 53rd year came to 897 Beli

The interest on the 52nd year came to 843 Beli

The song went on like that, down through the years. Luffy was disappointed. "Hey! This song is just about numbers! It's so boring!"

Sanji leapt on Luffy, kicking his head into the ground. "Oi! Don't insult Nami-swan! Look at how much she's enjoying this!"

Nami was curled up in a fetal position, crying tears of joy as she imagined it. 53 years of debt. If only she could come back from the dead…

_That is the end of it. Thanks to those who have been reading and reviewing from the beginning, who helped keep me focused on getting done with this. It was a fun departure from the kind of stuff I'm used to doing. Do answer me a question, though. Which was the best of these? I kinda favor either Franky's or Nami's, but I'm curious to see which resonated best with others._


End file.
